Unfortunately, even the world’s most famous hall monitor cannot save the Chinese National Team. So let’s get to it.

(Saeed Kahn/AFP/Getty Images)

1st Quarter

10:00 - They’re playing the John Tesh-orchestrated NBA on NBC theme in the stadium, which used to be my favorite song until the moment just now when play-by-play guy Mike Breen said to color commentator Doug Collins, “Hey, they’re playing your song.”

Also…What is Bushie doing in the Team USA huddle? Is he suiting up? Ball boy? Craig Sager tries to shed some light on this by contemplating who would win in a one-on-one game between Dubya and the Chinese President. I do think they should have put Obama on Team USA though. I’ve heard he can actually ball. And, yes, that is the only reason I’ll be voting for him. (Calm down, Republicans. I’m only kidding. I’ll once again be voting for Eric B.)

9:38 - Kobe is ball-hawking ferociously to start the game, forcing his man to give up the ball. Too bad it’s Yao who gets it at the top of the key and drills a triple. “How apropos,” says Doug Collins.

8:37 - Kobe takes a corner three and hits nothing but…the side of the back-board. Ouch. Melo missed one earlier so it’s 0-2 from three so far for the Americans. This may be an issue.

8:15 - USA gets off in transition and Dwight Howard finishes with a strong dunk. This won’t be an issue.

8:02 - China, looking fantastic in their Ronald McDonald-inspired uniforms, hits another trey to take a 6-2 lead.

7:20 - LeBron gets to the hoop and finishes plus the foul. He knocks down the freebie to put the USA up 7-6. Let’s hope China doesn’t lead again.

6:40 - China hits a jumper. Takes the lead. Then Golden Boy Jason Kidd turns it over and China scores again. USA trails 11-7.

6:15 - LeBron makes a slick move left and finishes off the glass. Down 11-9.

5:35 - Kobe goes to the hoop and gets his shit swatted badly by Yao. A billion-three go absoultely nuts. China breaks out in transition but LeBron makes a Tayshaun-esque trailer block and pins some weak nonsense against the glass. A timeout gives me time to realize that Team USA looks like crap.

4:45 - LeBron puts down a ridiculous leaner, tomahawk fastbreak finish after a CP3 dish.

4:35 - Kobe hits a three in transition off a CP3 drop pass.

3:50 - Flash takes the ball from a Chinese perimeter dribbler and takes it to the house. Team USA better hope for like 20 points per game this way if they’re gonna continue to play as badly as they are in the halfcourt game.

3:06 - Chen Jianghua penetrates all the way to the hoop with a sweet move to tie it up at 16-16. I like this guy.

2:47 - For the first time since he played at Marquette, Flash gets called for a walk.

1:10 - After a minute-and-a-half of sloppy ball and boring commentary, Flash breaks some ankles and dices through China’s zone. He can’t finish but gets hammered and knocks down two from the line. USA now up 18-16. This better be the lead that never gets relinquished.

0:26 - Dwight backs down a large Asian dude and dunks young-Shaq-style in his grill, embarrassing him in front of a billion and change. Plus his mom.

0:05 - In trying to explain what Team USA needs to get back to dominating international competition, Doug Collins says, “the word I always use is synergy.” Please don’t.

0:00 - The quarter ends: USA 20 - China 16.

2nd Quarter

10:00 - In talking about how the world was able to catch up with Team USA, Collins and Breen pontificate that the first signs came when the Americans just barely survived Lithuania in a 2000 Olympic game after Sarunas Jasikevicius narrowly missed a buzzer-three that could have won the game. When the camera shows a shot of JKidd on the bench, Collins mentions that Kidd was the one guarding Sarunas on that play, along with help from Antonio McDyess. I think we pinpointed the problem then. What the hell was Antonio McDyess doing on Team USA?

Team USA should have re-evaluated its whole philosophy as soon as this guy almost beat them in Sydney.

8:34 - Mamba saves the ball under his own hoop right to a Chinese player who lays it in. Then, KB10 misses a three on the next trip down. My high school coach is having flashbacks — minus the “Venessa” with a crown tattoo, of course. Mine says “Mom” with a heart because I’m a good son. Also, I have this one.

8:14 - LeBron makes another absurd, pin-it-against-the-backboard block after a nice drive by some Chinese dude. He throws a full court chest-pass to Flash who dunks all alone.

7:06 - After China hits a three, Dwight gets to the line while trying to dunk. He’s already in double digits. While he’s shooting, the camera shows Bush I, Bush II, Laura Bush and the Chinese foreign minister all sitting in the same row. Henry Kissinger is also sitting right behind them and appears to be napping.

6:02 - China hits a three to tie the game. How apropos.

5:15 - Michael Redd (surprisingly) misses a three (he was 12-24 in the prelims). Bosh grabs the O board, however, and dunks on three guys. Collins mentions that, if JO can stay healthy next year, the Raps could be very good. As a Pacers fan, I chuckle.

4:45 - Kobe gets back-to-back dunks, one on his own penetration over a dude and one in transition after a (sloppy) behind-the-back Bron dish.

4:38 - Craig Sager interviews Jerry Colangelo on the sideline. Sages looks so depressed that they made him wear a standard-issue Olympic polo shirt instead of a Dumb and Dumber tuxedo. How can they do that to this guy? Asking him to give horrible courtside reports without looking ridiculous is like asking Iron Man to save the world without his suit.

Seeing Sager sans silly suit saddens souls.

3:23 - LeBron freighttrains his way to the hoop and finishes plus the harm.

2:48 - Kidd makes a slick thread-the-needle pass through the lane to Bosh for a lay-in.

2:21 - USA scores on an obscene alley-opp in transition from Flash to Bron. The pass was way off, but King James went and got it anyway like that Grant Hill dunk at Duke and just turned it into an vicious tomahawk. The next play is a Kobe to Bron alley attempt that gets broken up. Kobe grabs the loose ball and dunks anyway. China might wanna stick to table tennis and diving.

1:40 - Bosh dunks to culminate a 16-3 USA run.

1:05 - Yao hits two free throws. USA up 47-36. Wade then scores on a pretty drive with a double-clutch lay-in, and Yao subsequently abuses Bosh in the post. He doesn’t score but gets fouled, and in the process looks about 80% back from the stress fracture.

0:04 - Mike Krzyszaeswsraswekski calls a timeout to set up a final play. The Redeem Team has now used more timeouts in the first half of its first game than the Dream Team did in the Barcelona Olympics.

0:02 - And, boy oh boy, is it a great play. Kobe travels.

Halftime

The halftime show didn’t quite match up to the Opening Ceremony.

3rd Quarter

10:00 - The Marvin Gaye Star-Spangled Banner Nike commercial is the best Olympic ad since Dan vs Dave.

9:35 - Kobe makes a sick move to the hoop and dunks with two hands. LeBron swats yet another shot on the other end.

9:12 - JKidd turns the ball over in transition once again. That makes eight turnovers for Team USA thus far, which nicely complements the squad’s 1-12 shooting from three. Jason Kidd might not even be the third best PG on this team.

8:14 - In the middle of Doug Collins ripping Yi for his poor play (with good reason since he’s, I think, 0-11 from the floor) the Chairman throws down a monster dunk on an offensive rebound tip in over Carmelo. Yi may not be able to bring the Soon To Be Brooklyn Nets to the Playoffs, but he’ll now always have a place in my heart for further proving my theory that Doug Collins is a nitwit.

5:50 - Not much interesting happens for a while aside from me eating eggs until LeBron goes coast-to-coast and dunks. USA is now up 55-39. Feel the excitement.

5:07 - USA breaks out a full-court press. They don’t get a turnover, but China misses a three after a long, hurried pass upcourt. I’m not sure why Coach K doesn’t just press the whole game like a high school team who’s clearly more athletic, talented and deeper than its opponent.

3:56 - After yet another missed three by USA, Bosh grabs another O board and scores. He’s looking solid.

3:37 - LeBron scores on a breakaway. USA back up 17.

2:02 - As Flash finishes at the hoop plus the foul, Yao goes down and is grabbing his formerly fractured foot. Uh-oh. That’s really not good. Meanwhile, Wade is 6-6 from the floor and 5-5 from the line. Being able to bring both Chris Paul and Dwyane Wade off the bench is insane.

0:52 - Kobe does the LeBron tomahawk on a breakaway. I mean, seriously, it works as a non-bourgeois, signature finish for LBJ and all, but can everyone else in the League please go back to breaking out windmills, reverses and double-clutches when its one-on-none?

0:22 - Now that’s what I’m talking about. Right on cue, Flash picks the pocket of a perimeter dribbler and does a nice little rockababy, double-clutch reverse on the breakaway. Really, that’s all I’m asking for here. Team USA is now up 25.

4th Quarter

10:00 - I’m already sick of the animated LBJ/Yao Coke commercial.

8:58 - Deron tries to dunk on Yao’s head. It doesn’t work. The crowd cheers.

8:02 - Deron hits a pull-back jumper, then gets fouled on the next play down on an aggressive drive. It looks like he’s the only one out that who isn’t bored of this game. God knows I am.

7:24 - Sure enough, Deron scores on a transition up-and-under lay-up. Meanwhile, Dubya and Laura have had enough and get up to leave. Surprisingly, he doesn’t get the same star treatment Kobe did when he trying to walk through the crowd earlier today. The low-level of visible Secret Service is encouraging, however.

Bushie, his pops and his wife all showed up. Unfortunately, he had to leave midway through the 4th Quarter. I mean, Misty May’s ass isn’t gonna spank itself

5:32 - Michael Redd misses another three. I’m sure he’ll do fine and all, but I’m shocked that Coach K and Colangelo didn’t bring one more shooter. What happened to Mike Miller? Is Tayshaun really necessary?

3:34 - After a nice finish by Yi, Redd misses another three.

3:14 - Then, Redd again misses another three and Yi again dunks.

2:32 - Yi scores again. Is “Jianliang” Cantonese for “ARod”?

1:09 - CP3 hits a trey to keep everyone on the edge of their seats for this thrilling conclusion.

0:33 - Redd finally hits a three. Team USA is now 7-24 for the game. That’s not getting it done against Spain or Argentina.

0:00 - And…The most watched basketball game of all-time is now officially complete. Team USA wins 101-70, and 1.3 billion plus are underwhelmed.

-

Joe Maloof: Ummm-mmmm…God damn, Daryl. This some serious gourmet shit. Me and Gavin here woulda been satisfied with some freeze-dried Taster’s Choice, right? And he springs this serious gourmet shit on us. What flavor is this?

Daryl Morey: Knock it off, Joseph.

Joe: What?

Daryl: I don’t need you to tell me how fucking good my coffee is, okay? I’m the one who buys it—I know how good it is. When Van Gundy used to go shopping, he bought shit. I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it, I wanna taste it. But you know what’s on my mind right now? It aint the coffee in my office. It’s the bipolar mothafucka in my gym.

Joe: Oh, Daryl…don’t even worry about—

Daryl: Oh, no, no, no, no. Don’t tell me not to think about anything. I wanna ask you a question: When you came pulling in here, did you notice sign outside the Toyota Center that said “Bipolar Muthafucka Storage”?

Joe: Daryl, you know I aint see no sign that said—

Daryl: DID YOU notice a sign outside the Toyota Center that said “Bipolar Muthafucka Storage”?

Joe: No. I didn’t.

Daryl: Do you know why you didn’t see that sign? Cause it aint there ‘cause storing bipolar muthafuckas aint my fucking business…That’s why.

Joe: Daryl, we’re not gonna store—

Daryl: No, no, no, no. Don’t you fucking realize, man, that if Leslie Alexander gets back and finds out that I gave up a rotation player for a guy who was accused of dog abuse, I’m gonna get fired? No meetings, no demoted to Vice President of Basketball Operations—I’m gonna get fucking fired. And I don’t wanna get fucking fired. Now man, fuck, I wanna help you—but I don’t wanna lose my job doing it, alright?

Joe: Daryl, he aint gonna fire—

Daryl: Don’t fucking “Daryl” me, Joe. Okay. Don’t fucking “Daryl” me. There’s nothing you’re gonna say that’s gonna make me forget I love getting paid millions of dollars for a ridiculously easy job with no accountability. Is THERE? … Look, he comes back from the French Riviera in a day-and-a-half. You gotta make some phone calls? You gotta call some people? Well then do it. And then get the fuck outta my office before he finds out you were here.

Joe: That’s Kool and the Gang. You know, we don’t wanna fuck your shit up. All I wanna do is call my people and get Ron off our roster.

Daryl: You don’t wanna fuck my shit up? You’re fucking my shit up right now. And you’re gonna fuck my shit up big time if my owner finds out. So just do me that favor, alright? The phone is in the over there. I suggest you get going.

David Stern tends to notice shit like you’re driving a car drenched in blood.

[cut to a Manhattan skyscraper rooftop with David Stern sitting at a table and talking on a mobile phone]

David Stern: Say Leslie comes back, what do you think he’ll do.? … No fucking shit he’ll freak—that aint no kinda answer. I mean, you know. I don’t. How much? A lot or a little?

[cut to Joe Maloof back in Daryl Morey’s office talking on the phone]

Joe: You gotta appreciate what an explosive element this Ronnie Situation is. Leslie comes back from a two-month vacation and finds a bunch of sleazy Vegas casino owners in his GM’s office doing a bunch of sleazy-Vegas-casino-owner-shit, aint no telling what he’s liable to do.

Stern: [on phone] I grasp that, Joe. All I’m doing is contemplating the ifs.

Joe: [on phone] I don’t wanna hear about no muthafuckin’ ifs. All I wanna hear from yo ass is “You aint got no problem, Joe. I’m on the muthafucka. Go back in there, chill them niggas out and wait for the cavalry, which should be coming directly.”

Stern: [on phone] You aint got no problem, Joe. I’m on the muthafucka. Go back in there, chill them niggas out and wait for The Logo, who should be coming directly.

Joe: [on phone] You sending The Logo?

Stern: [on phone] You feel better muthafucka?

Joe: [on phone] Shiiiiit, nee-gro. That’s all you had to say.

[cut to a residential bedroom with The Logo sitting on a bed talking on the phone]

The Logo: He the hysterical type? … When is he due … Uh-huh … Give me the principals’ names again. Joe [writes “GREASY DOUCHEBAG”] … Gavin [writes “GREASIER DOUCHEBAG WITH MOUTH SORES”] … Darryl [writes “DESPERATE GM”]… Ronnie [writes “ONE-YEAR CONTRACT”… “NO SANITY”] … It’s three hours away. I’ll be there in 10 minutes.

[Nine minutes and thirty-seven seconds later, The Logo’s helicopter lands at the Toyota Center]

You can call me Mr. West.

The Logo: You’re … Daryl? Right? This is your team?

Daryl: Sure is.

The Logo: I’m Jerry West. I solve problems.

Daryl: Good. We got one.

The Logo: So I heard. May I come in?

Daryl: Yeah. Please do.

The Logo: You must be Joe. Which would make you Gavin. Let’s get down to brass tacks, gentlemen. If I was informed correctly the clock is ticking. Is that right, Daryl?

Daryl: One hundred percent.

The Logo: Your owner, Leslie Alexander, gets back on August 1, is that correct?

Daryl: Uh-huh.

The Logo: I was led to believe that if he gets back and finds out you traded a worthwhile player for a dog abuser, he wouldn’t appreciate it none too much?

Daryl: He won’t at that.

The Logo: That gives us forty hours to make this happen and get the fuck out of Dodge, which if you do what I say, when I say it should be plenty. Now, you’ve got a clinically psychotic, fan-punching, dog-abuser on a one-year contract, minus an opt-out clause – let me see him.

[cut to the basketball court where Ron Artest is pretending to shoot jumpers and dribble around sans ball like that weirdo from Above the Rim]

The Logo: Daryl, do me a favor would ya? I thought I smelled some coffee back there, would you make me a cup.

Daryl: Yeah sure … Um, how do you take it?

The Logo: Lots of cream. Lots of sugar … About this crazy fuck: Is there anything I need to know? Is he injured? Did Stern catch him smoking weed? Does he have any upcoming court dates? Anything?

Joe: Aside from having done flown over the cuckoo’s nest, Ronnie is cool.

The Logo: Positive? Don’t get me to the paperwork and I find out he can’t pass a physical.

Joe: Far as I know, the muthafucka’s tip-top.

The Logo: Okay. Let’s go back to the office.

[cut back to the office. The Logo sips his coffee and nods to Daryl approvingly]

The Logo: Okay. First thing. You two call Ronnie’s agent and his wife to make sure he isn’t about to take six months off to record another rap album, found an organic pumpkin patch or get his masters degree in ice sculpture … Now, Daryl, this looks to be a pretty well-run franchise. So that would lead to be to believe you’re under the luxury tax and you gotta bunch of future draft picks, mid-level exceptions and contract rights to random Europeans who will never make the NBA? Shit like that?

Daryl: Yeah, yeah, Mr. West. We’re right under the tax.

The Logo: Good. What I need you two fellas to do is start putting together a package that your GM and the public can live with. I’m talking fast, fast, fast. You need to look at your roster and find a quality young player that no one will care about and plan to get em outta there. When it comes to how this will look to the public, it don’t need to be Spic and Span. They don’t gotta be ecstatic about it. Just give ‘em a good headline …

Now Daryl, we need to raid your shitty assets. I need late First Round draft picks and washed up veterans—the more fan-friendly the better, the more overpaid the better. No Second Rounders—can’t use em. We need to camouflage this deal so it looks like both teams are getting a steal. We’re gonna line one side with picks that won’t amount to anything and we’re gonna line the other one with pie-in-the-sky hope that will never pan out. If a hardcore NBA fan breaks this thing down and starts sniffing his nose around, the subterfuge won’t last. But at a glance the trade will look mutually beneficial …

Daryl, lead the way. Maloofs, get to work.

Gavin Maloof: A “please” would be nice.

The Logo: Come again?

Gavin: I said “a ‘please’ would be nice.

The Logo: Get it straight, buster. I’m not here to say “please.” I’m here to tell you what to do. And if self-preservation is an instinct you possess than you better fucking do it—and do it quick. I’m here to help. If my help’s not appreciated—lots of luck, gentlemen.

Joe: No, no, no, no, no. Mr. West, it aint like that. Your help is definitely appreciated.

Gavin: Mr. West, listen. I don’t mean any disrespect, okay. I respect you. I just don’t like people barking orders at me, that’s all.

The Logo: If I’m curt with you, it’s because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast and I need you guys to act fast if you wanna get this nut-job out of Sacramento. So, pretty please—with sugar on top—find a quality young player know one’s fucking heard of.

[The Logo and Daryl walk out of the office.]

Gavin: [to Joe] Don’t be looking at me like that. I can feel your look.

-

So…What’s with the outfits? You guys going to a volleyball game or something?

But if a bunch of Josh Childress/Nenad Krstic players bounce from the League, who really cares? Since that is about as much time as I plan to spend on this, I leave you with this here quote from The Machine, which is so far the best thing to come out of the entire trend.

“‘I was a nervous wreck,’ Vujacic said. ‘Well, nervous might not be the word. I think what I learned last year from P. J. [Phil Jackson] is equanimity. That’s one thing that just helped me in a tough situation—being calm.’”

Equanimity? Look at the big brain on Sasha (who ended up re-signing with the Lakers for three years/$15 million). On the other hand, let’s hope he didn’t also learn the meaning of “alliteration” from the Zen Master (who, while I appreciate the passive-aggressive refusal to apologize for a pretty innocuous joke, I can only assume meant “allusion”).

via TrueHoop

The leather suits play, but you might wanna try Sasha’s hair dresser.

The return pieces, however, are also pretty nice. TJ will be the team’s best PG since Mark Jackson and although his contract is maybe slightly high and, oh yeah, his career could end on any given play due to his congenital spine disorder, the upgrade from Travis Diener is worth celebrating. And Rasho and Hibbert, while unspectacular, should each help clog up the middle.

But a lot of people haven’t seen much TJ Ford of late since he’s missed a lot of time and Calderon. Fortunately, the Toronto Raptors do a pretty sweat recap of (I think) all their games in a thing called “Game in 6 Minutes.” Since it’s YouTube, the quality is obviously not ideal, but they’re well-edited and you can find dozens of them, but it is a good way to get a look at him in situations that aren’t just highlights. Unfortunately, there is generally more Jose than TJ in these
six minute clips, but you can still get a more nuanced look at his game/abilities than other TJ YouTube vids, which tends to be only his sickest assists, ankle-breakers or dunks set to bad music. And regardless, the Raps are a pretty fun team to watch anyway (unless you’re Lou Dobbs).

Here are a few I just watched.

——————————————————

November 2, 2007
Boston 98 - Toronto 95

TJ’s highest point total of the season (32 pts) comes in his fifth game of the year. Pretty good game by him overall and the tape does a good job showing some of his positives and negatives.The first play is TJ drilling a mid-range pull-up J, something he’s pretty good at in space and does lightning quick. At 0:35 he begins his overdribbling show, however, which is probably the biggest criticism of him from Toronto’s Jose Calderon. After an offensive board, he does manage a nice little scoop finger roll though. He’s crafty on the interior for a midget.

More dribbling antics at 1:18. It again ends well when TJ drops a sweet dime to Rasho who finishes with an up and under, but he did dribble 11 times in the front-court and had the ball in his hands for the first 13 seconds of the possession.

At 1:52, Rasho looks absolutely lost playing helpside D and more resembles Kevin McHale trying to count the screws in the parquet floor until he feels the breeze of Paul Pierce racing by.Great rotation by TJ at 2:42 to react to a very nice cross-court skip pass from Pierce enough to disrupt Ray Allen’s jumper. Not so great is at 3:18 when he has a sloppy, telegraphed, one-handed entry pass just snatched away from him by Rajon. Good pass at 3:37 to get out of (self-imposed) trouble.

Later, at 4:50 (and it OT), TJ shows why he’s arguably the quickest guy in the League. Then he turns into Mr. Clutch and gets to the rim again at 5:11 to finish with a crafty lay-up. Next play, “Onions, baby…Onions,” according to the Raps play-by-play man as TJ drills a triple to tie the game with 0:04 to play. Too bad they leave Ray Ray wide open to drill a three of his own on the ensuing in-bounds play. Wow…nice D, Sam Mitchell.

——————————————————

November 8, 2007
Lakers 117 - Toronto 108

Great post sequence by Rasho at 0:40. Strong screen on Fish, decent show with Gasol behind him, nice pass to the cutter, and fantastic mismatch recognition by going right to the hoop and man-handling Fish. Later, he shows his range nicely at 4:30ish and chases down an O board at 5:15.No TJ sightings until 3:04, when he makes a great pass. More size-related D issues at 3:45 on Farmar, but then he makes a nice steal and has a ballsy, sick dunk attempt in Kobe’s grill (although it doesn’t work out so well). More bad D at 4:50. Creates his own shot nicely on the next play (though misses the J).

More sloppy D at 5:45…There’s really no reason to collapse that far when Kobe’s going to the other side of the lane (especially when you’re too little to possibly affect his shot), although it does take a great pass from Mamba for him to get burnt on it. Nine times out of ten, TJ won’t get bitten by that cause few people can make that pass. Unfortunately, that’s also the reason people develop bad habits.

——————————————————

November 18, 2007
G-State 106 - Toronto 100

We see TJ get abused in the paint twice to start things off. Then also see him push the ball up the floor, smoke The Beard off the dribble (though he misses the J) and make a creative cross-court pass to Bosh.Later he makes a nice transition lob to Maceo. At 3:30, you’ll see what people don’t like about his defense. People make him out to be a real ball-hawk, which he can be at times, but he also falls asleep or gets muscled out of position quite a bit (or just sags off guys he’s quicker than for no real reason). Honestly, you really can’t guard a screen/roll any worse than he does right there. The next play, however, shows his best asset — his ability to beat the D up the floor. And it’s not just with his feet…it’s a mindset. Here, he makes a sweet lead pass to Kapono.

Around 4:00, you see him also not put much pressure on Monta and then be unable to disrupt Baron even remotely on a reach-in hedge. Then, at 5:05, you see something we will see a lot of next year. This drive-and-dish game is going to get us an absurd amount of open threes.

——————————————————

March 17, 2008
Raptors 100 - Sacto 106

Rasho shows one of his strengths and one of his weaknesses early. On the first, Rap possesion, he sets a solid screen at 0:23 and then after Parker gets the ball in the post on the other block, he makes sure to drift all the way down to the baseline to open up as much space as possible in the middle. That also makes it tough for his guy to recover if he goes for the double. It’s a minor thing, but few players pay that much attention to spacing — something that is absolutely vital to Jim O’Brien’s offense.On the next play, however, he lumbers down the court and sort of oafs his way around the paint. He doesn’t really clog anything up and he’s not really guarding anybody or committing to anything. He tends to do that and the result is him “playing smaller” than he is at times. If he would just take up more space, he could at least be a better deterrent. In general, he does a lot of this undecided, hopping around on both ends. It makes him slow and off-balance often.

At 2:27 is more subtle, good offense though. He shows hard in the post, gets the ball, kicks it back out nicely and then again pulls his Mikki Moore 15 feet from the hoop. Moore has to respect his jumper on Parker’s ball fake, and is unable to close the gap to prevent him from penetrating.

At 2:56, you see him execute a great screen/roll. Not only does his wide body pick prevent Udrih from getting through quick, he also times his release well and should have gotten a dunk if Calderon hadn’t pulled up for the jumper so quickly. (It’s worth noting that this was pretty horrible D as well…but still shows his acumen for ball-screening.)Sick dunk for Jamario at 3:30. And…nothing else happens.

——————————————————

April 28, 2008
(Playoffs - First Round, Game 4)
Magic 106 - Raptors 94

TJ starts the game with a great pass to Andrea that hits him in the perfect location to shoot. (A PG’s ability to do that is, IMO, the most underrated aspect of the position…and just passing in general. As a shooter myself, that really is the difference between me making it and missing it like half the time. If it hits you square in the pocket in rhythm, the ball may as well already be in the hoop.)He abuses Jameer at 0:45, but tries to do too much on the next trip down and forces a bad shot (another one of his flaws.)

Not about TJ, but Bosh looks exactly like 2004 JO at 3:15.

Shows his quickness at 3:40. Then shows horrible screen/roll D at 3:55. Great drive-and-dump at 4:03. At 4:28 and again at 4:58, you get to see more another of his lazy defensive habits — ball-staring while standing still. IMO, a guy with his size and quickness should just be more active, and no one should just stand in the paint with their back to their man and watching the dribbler like he’s 1987 MJ or something.

Tru Warier isn’t going anywhere. Neither is Shawn Marion.

But, in a surprise move, Baron Davis opted out today.

So did Elton Brand and Corey Maggette, but those were more expected. Brand is (publicly) still trying to re-sign long-term with the Clips, while Maggette will now be the biggest name free agent other than The Beard (I know…hard to believe).

There’s only one reason to remain a Clipper: Boat loads of greenbacks.

Antawn Jamison already re-signed with DC for 4-years/$50 million (though SI is reporting it as $44 million) after opting out earlier this Summer. So now that Gilbert’s hostage demands have theoretically been met, Wiz President Ernie Grunfield can move on to inking Hibachi. The current reported offer is 6 years/$100 million, which would be about a $20 million discount over 6 years from the max. Jamison expects that Gil may take a little less now that his partner-in-crime has been taken care of.

“I just signed. We got it out of the way,” Jamison told The Associated Press.

“He said he’d take less money if they got me, and they got me,” Jamison said. “So I think everything will get worked out with Gilbert.”

$11–12.5 million per is quite a price-tag for the 32-year-old, creaky kneed Jamison, but he is coming off a 79-game All Star season and I guess you gotta do what you gotta do to keep fan-favorite and franchise reinvigorater Agent Zero on the roster — even if Arenas’ own knees have become questions marks themselves (not literally, jackass).

So maybe Baron saw Arenas-sized dollar signs in his head and rethought his strategy?

Either way, it will be interesting to see what happens now that he turned down his final year at $17 million. No one on the open market can give him that much aside from a sign-and-trade. Does he go to Detroit for the Chauncey Billups/Sheed package? Does he end up in South Beach for Marion? Or just re-sign long-term back with Mully, Nellie and Co. in Golden State? The rumor mill is claiming that Baron opted out because they couldn’t reach an agreement on an long-term extension, so going back to GState might be less likely now. Other rumors point to the Lakers, although all of these could just be complete shenanigans.

Who knows really?

Regardless, the free agent market just went from complete trash to “Hey, wait a minute.” It will at least be interesting to see where the next domino falls. Also, it should be good to see what Bulls GM John Paxson and new Coach Vinny of the Black decide to do with Deng, Gordon, et al. I mean, you know they’re gonna screw it up…But how?

“There are two kinds of people in this world that go around beardless — boys and women — and I am neither one.” — colloquial Greek saying

The total sums combine the athletes salary (or winnings) with his estimated endorsements. Here’s how the sports stack up by number of athletes represented followed by the list of the top NBA guys:

NBA - 26
MLB - 10
NFL - 7
PGA - 3
NASCAR - 3
Boxing - 1

3. LeBron - $40.5 million
5. Kobe - $35.5 million
6. Shaq - $35.0 million
8. KG - $31.0 million
12. AI - $27.1 million
13. Kevin Durant - $26.0 million
16. DWade - $25.0 million
17. TMac - $25.0 million
18. Melo - $22.6 million
19. Tim Duncan - $22.5 million
21. Michael Finley - $22.2 million
22. Dwight Howard- $21.6 million
24. JKIdd - $21.0 million
25. Starbury - $21.0 million
27. JO - $20.5 million
29. Baron Davis - $18.9 million
31. Stevie “Franchise” - $18.2 million
32. Vince Carter - $18.0 million
33. Paul Pierce - $17.9 million
36. Matrix - $17.0 million
38. Ray Allen - $16.8 million
39. Rashard Lewis - $16.7 million
40. Antawn Jamison - $16.6 million
45. Big Ben - $16.2 million
47. Elton Brand - $15.8 million
48. Amare - $15.8 million

Writing out that list, my first thought was that teams/ad execs sure are paying a helluva lot of money to people that require me to type their full name for identification purposes. My second thought was that I got all the way to number 36 on the list before a single NBA guy had a decent enough nickname to use that wasn’t just a play of their actual name (okay…The Truth at 33 should count but even after the Finals MVP, I’m still not sure it’s ubiquitous enough. Even counting Pierce, him, Marion and Flash are really the only three. Quick, someone make Tough Juice your spokesman.).

For some better analysis, head over to the post on the SI list by Jones On The NBA’s, who, in looking at how much each player is making in just endorsements, hopes to come up with an NBA player marketing database.

Because all else I’ve got on this is a few Fun Facts:

• The entire Boston Three Party made the list.
• Steve Francis made $330,909.09 per point this season.
• Mark Cuban paid Michael Finley $18.6 million to not play for the Mavs this year.
• CP3, Brandon Roy, Derrick Rose and Michael Beasley all made the “Future Fortunates,” which is a list of the athletes SI thinks will be there next year or soon thereafter.

And some non-NBA-related Fun Facts:

• The combined earnings of Tiger and Phil (#1 and #2 overall with $127.9 million and $62.4 million, respectively) is more than the combined earnings of LeBron, Kobe, Shaq, KG, AI and Jason Kidd.
• No U.S. females made the list, but Maria Sharapova is 13th on the International 20 with $21.8 million.
• Four of the ten MLB players featured play for the Yankees (Hideki Matsui, who was on the International 20, makes five).
• The Red Sox have won two of the last four World Series trophies.

But don’t fret just because guys like Steve Francis and JO earned more cash this year that you will in your entire sad, sad existence on this planet.Cause you know what they say:

People like to talk about his vast defensive improvements, which are substantial and can be attributed to (A) the natural improvement all good veterans have as they learn the game better, (B) KG’s drill sergeant motivation techniques, and (C) Tom Thibodeau’s system. But most of all, he’s always been a capable defender and now, instead of having to carry the entire 1996 Kentucky Wildcats on his back while taking 24 shots every night, he’s actually able to exert some energy on the defensive side of the ball without worrying about if he’ll have enough in the tank to be the entire offense for the final five minutes of the game.

I’ve also always wondered why people questioned his Hall of Fame credentials. It’s been a no-brainer for years as far as I’m concerned and, regardless of this ring, he’s still going to finish second only to John Havlicek as the teams all time leading scorer. I was supposed to believe this guy wasn’t better than Sam Jones and KC Jones put together?

Paul hams it up at his 30th birthday party. He’s been a pretty funny guy for years. You’re just only seeing it now. (Photo by Photo by Lisa Hornak)

Another little known fact is that Pierce actually has a personality too. I never understood why, but — if anything — most people have always had a negative impression of The Truth. People seem to like thinking athletes are assholes, so it’s not that surprising, I suppose. But, still, I always wondered why he never got any “I got stabbed in the back and neck like nine times” sympathy. Maybe people think he brought it on himself? Or maybe they just didn’t know about it since it came before ESPN turned into TMZ (and even seemed fairly underreported even at the time). If that had happened to Chad Johnson, how many times would we hear about it each season?

I think mostly, however, people think he has no personality just because he is just quiet. Even in his national TV spots, and post-game interviews he rarely says much. But when he does speak, he’s actually always been pretty clever and even outright funny at times. He sort of has the Tim Duncan understated wit going.

On Jimmy Kimmel the other night, he certainly showed his lighter side in full effect, poking fun at Wheel-Chairgate, talking about puking during the parade and openly mocking the Clippers.

Professional funny man Jimmy Kimmell gets in on the humor as well comparing The Truth (who grew up in LA) to classic traitors including Judas, Fredo and American Taliban John Walker Lindh.

Kenny Smith and Kevin Love was particularly accommodating. HowEVER, DeAndre Jordan and several others — including the Notorious SAS himself — not so much.

Highlights: “I got two chairs…Jay Bilas, he barely even got one” and Steven’s letter to ESPN.

This is actually the third straight year the Heckling Society of Gentlemen have done this. Go here to find more shenanigans from the 2007 and 2006 Drafts.

Okay, I’m actually sitting on a couch in an apartment in Queens, but I’m still likely closer to Madison Square Garden than you.

Three big pre-draft transactions to report before we start:

1. Jermaine O’neal, Pick #41 and JO’s $20 million salary goes from Indy to Toronto for TJ Ford, Pick #17, Rasho Nesterovic and Maceo Baston.
2. Richard Jefferson goes from New Jersey to Milwaukee for Yi Jianlian and Bobby Simmons.
3. The Fourth Pick goes from Seattle to Los Angeles (Clippers) for the Seventh Pick and and unprotected 1st Round pick next year.

And actually live and present at MSG, we have Stuart Scott, Jay “Wingspans Give Me Boners” Bilas, Dick “Tapioca” Vitale, Mark Jackson, Jeff Van Gundy and Fran “hola and bonjour” Franchilla to guide us through the proceedings. I really hope that’s enough people. Luckily, there are another 30 or so strategically placed ESPN reporters at empty gyms around the country from Miami to Chicago to Seattle that may be able to fill in the event of a crisis.

Let’s get after it.

(NBAE/Getty Images)

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7:30 - Stern rocks the mic. “Welcome to New York and Madison Square Garden….home of the New York Knicks and the WNBA’s New York Liberty.” Give it up dude.

The Bulls already announced they are taking Derrick Rose earlier today, so these five minutes will be anti-climactic. It does give us time to check out the Kia Scouting Report for Chicago, which according to Stu Scott features “a bevy of guards.” All four studio “analysts” think the Bulls should trade someone to make way for Rose. Thanks. Van Gundy adds that Chicago should also “fortify their defensive intensity.” Clearly.

But forget Derrick Rose…the best part of the Bulls offseason is the return to NBA prominence of new Chicago coach, former San Antonio Spur mad-bomber and 12-time All-Hair First-Teamer: Vinny of the Black. What a pimp.

7:38 - Surprise…the Bulls take Rose. Let’s see what we learn: (1) His nickname is Pooh, apparently cause he likes honey (”sweet” says Stu Scott), and (2) He can “dunk with his elbows” according to Jay Bilas.

Now comes the part everyone was waiting for: The post-pick interview with STEVEN A. SMITH. And…that couldn’t have been more boring. How about his mom interviewed by an aged female “sideline” reporter? “I’m very happy,” she says. Well, there ya go.

7:43 - Miami Heat are up. They take Michael Beasley. The speculation was that team president and mob boss Pat Riley wanted OJ Mayo, so this pick could get traded. I’m not sure why they don’t just keep him. Dude led the NCAA in rebounding, was third in scoring and has “arms that extend beyond normal human limits,” according to Bilas, who is fortunately sitting behind a desk. “Sideline” reporter Doris Burke (same aged lady from before) interviews ma dukes. “Words cannot describe it.” Okay, that’s the last time I’ll relay family interviews. Back in the interview with Beasley, Stevie A. asks “What is Miami getting in Michael Beasley?” Beasley: “A great player, a hard worker, a good rebounder and a fun-loving guy off the court.” Funny, I forget to mention that final part in my last job interview.

7:48 - Minnesota is up with the 3rd Pick. They take OJ Mayo, who’s real name we learn is Ovinton J’Anthony. Mayo is unfortunately not short for Mayonaise, however, because Ovinton J’Anthony Mayonaise sounds like a condiment brand people would put on French fries in Amsterdam. Also unfortunately, he is the third guy who has failed to dress in a ridiculous suit and actually looks pretty slick: Sleek tie, debonair glasses (a first at the NBA Draft?), cream suit with a vest, and brown and white hard-bottoms. Jay Bilas agrees: “I like his package.”

Unfortunately, fewer and fewer NBA prospects are willing to dress like clowns. (NBAE/Getty Images)

UPDATE: Minny ended up trading Mayo, Antoine Walker, Marco Jaric and Greg Buckner to Memphis for #5 pick Kevin Love, Mike Miller, Jason Collins and Brian Cardinal.

7:54 - Seattle takes Russell Westbrook from UCLA. This is the 12th straight year a UCLA Bruin has been drafted, we learn. This guy is a stretch as he is a little under-the-radar, but he’s a good combo guard who was the Pac-10 Defensive Player of the Year and played a lot of point there when Darren Collison was out with injury. Also “the best individual defender in the Draft” says Bilas. Seattle’s ROY Kevin Durant is in attendance for some reason (apparently no one told him he couldn’t get drafted to another team this year) and approves of Westbrook, although it sounds like he has never met him somehow.

8:01 - The Grizz take big man Kevin Love, also of UCLA, with Pick #5. Solid suit. Looks like he’s about to lay some people off. ESPN says he has good pickandpopability. They also show footage of him sticking full-court chest-pass shots during practice, which is admittedly unreal. In his interview with Steven A., he sounds very well-spoken. If he’s white but looks dumb…is that still racist? Even better, his dad looks like he could be a bathed, shaved and suited-up ship captain from The Deadliest Catch.

8:06 - Now’s the time we’ve all been waiting for: The Knicks are up. I can’t wait to see how Donnie Walsh disappoints these fans. They want Jerryd Bayless, I believe. I know they don’t want the Italian kid. Come on, Donnie…Take the Italian. Come on…do it.

Stern steps to the mic. “With the 6th Pick in the NBA Draft, the New York Knicks select: Danilo Gallinari.” I’ll let Stuart Scott tell you the response: “Mostly a chorus of boos…although a few people are cheering.” Just feel the excitement of the Post-Isiah Era. The fans had to see them drafting “The Rooster” (that’s amazing) after they hired known pizza-afficionado Mike D’Antoni. Fraschilla thinks The Rooster has the potential to be “a Derek Jeter-type figure in New York.” Back in the booth, JVG and Jax have clearly never heard of him and don’t think they get paid enough to do research. Bilas says the same thing he says about everyone: “Talent…upside…could turn out be a good pick for them.” Thanks for coming out.

8:12 - The Annual Clippers Lottery Pick is one of the greatest moments in sports at #7. They take Eric Gordon of Indiana, who is wearing Bogart’s suit coat from Casablanca over a black and white pin-striped shirt. Better still, the shirt has an executive-style collar of a different color (white, obviously), a black tie, a black pocket handkerchief and black slacks. Now that’s what I’m talking about, NBA Draft. A little late, but I knew you’d show up.

You’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon and for the rest of your life. (NBAE/Getty Images)

8:18 - Milwaukee Bucks take relative unknown Joe Alexander, who, in complete news to me, is white. I had heard he was uber-athletic and a good defender so I just assumed…yeah…okay…that was probably racist. He also speaks with absolutely no inflection in his voice. I’m not sure if he was answering questions or demonstrating what to do if an oxygen mask falls from the ceiling. “I…am…really…excited…to…be…a…Buck.” Very convincing, Joseph.

8:24 - Larry Brown and Michael Jordan on the clock for the Charlotte Bobcats at #9. I’m guessing they take either Danny Manning or James Worthy. Nope. DJ Augustin. Horrible pick. Dude is like 5′4″. Meanwhile, I’m a Pacers fan and we have pick #11 and for some who-the-fuck-knows-why reason, Arizona PG/SG Jerryd Bayless is still on the board. New Jersey is up next but just traded their Hall of Fame PG Jason Kidd for a young replacement PG of the future (Devin Harris), so they should pass too. I’m visibly excited. This must be how Jay Bilas feels when he’s thinking about wingspan.

8:30 - NJ selects future bust Brook Lopez, a center from Stanford. Holy wow. Sorry folks…but between trading away JO and his $20 million contract yesterday and (for God’s sake better) drafting Jerryd Bayless at #11, I’m out of my mind right now. This is maybe more ridiculous than when Danny Granger fell to the Pacers at #17 in 2004. So let me get this right…nothing can ever go right for Indiana except for in the Draft when the season’s over? Is that the rule? Is it like Robert Paulson having a name in Project Mayhem only after he dies? Whatever. I’ll take it. But does this mean TJ Ford will shatter his vertebrae in November? I’ll still take it.

Meanwhile…Sideline reporter lady is interviewing Brook’s twin brother and co-future bust Robin, who expects to be drafted soon. His brother surprisingly thinks NJ “got a steal at #10.” More importantly, he doesn’t seem that interested in anything related to his brother and “just can’t wait until it’s me up there.” Brook is also dressed hilariously: pinstriped tan suit with a pink shirt, peach tie and a white sweater vest. You’re trying too hard, Kanye. So, NJ now has gotten Brook Lopez, Yi Jialian and Bobby Simmons today. Not too bad…not too good, either. Regardless, the team payroll is now very low and all GM Rod Thorn and Hov need to do now is con someone into taking Half-Man, Half-A-Season’s contract off their hands in the next two years, and Bron Bron The Chosen One can come home to Brooklyn.

8:35 - Pacers up at #11 and they obviously take Jerryd Bayless. Unreal. I just peed a bit. He was projected to go 4th overall about three weeks ago on every mock draft. Did he get cancer since then? Seeing as how the Pacer’s other newest edition has a congenital spine disorder, let’s hope not. And guess what? Jerryd Bayless is rocking an ALL WHITE SUIT, TIE and SHOES. He’s already my favorite Pacer.

8:41 - Sacto is up with #12 and they take someone who is not in the building. Apparently his name is Jason Thompson and he went to a school called Rider. JR Rider? The Maloofs have to hope not. Also, looks like he was the MAAC Defensive Player of the Year…so yeah…there’s that.

8:45 - Update on ESPN’s oh-so-useful crawler: “Indiana Pacers select Jerryd Bayless — Fan Grade: A.” Real Cracker-Jack work, Scoop.

8:47 - Portland is up at #13. Once again they just take the clearly best player available, Brandon Rush of Kansas. He will definitely wind up being a 12-year NBA player and no worse than the sixth best player in this Draft. Just like the year they took Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge, two uber-productive and unquestionably solid NCAA veterans, Portland continues to “outsmart” everyone by just taking really good basketball players instead of valuing arm-length, vertical leaps and the number of jumping jacks someone can do on the first Sunday after the second Saturday in May. How novel.

8:51 - Golden State takes Anthony Randolph of LSU with the last pick in the Lottery. He’s the 7th freshman taken in the Lottery, which is a record for anyone that gives a flying fuck. Don’t know anything about this guy but all my concerns are alleviated when Bilas tells me about his 7′3″ wingspan that has “considerable linear extension into space.” Thomas Pynchon couldn’t make that up.

Vitale gives his analysis of the draft so far. First three picks were “lock city.” He’s shocked Seattle passed on Love, presumably cause he’s white. He’s also pretending to know something about the Italian the Knicks took. He makes a compelling case: “Gallinari and D’Antoni…sounds like a great Italian restaurant.” Should I be scared, embarrassed or depressed that my jokes are his actual thoughts?

8:57 - Phoenix takes Brook’s twin Robin Lopez at #15. And it only takes 30 seconds for us to see the only thing we’ll ever remember about this guy: The image of him resting his Suns baseball cap on top of his Sideshow Bob hair.

“Why don’t people take me seriously?” (NBAE/Getty Images)

9:03 - Philly takes Marreese Speights of Florida with the 16th Pick. Stu Scott says he’s the first Gator taken but that we should remember last year when “Florida had a bevy of players taken in the First Round.” Someone got a Word of the Day calendar for Father’s Day.

9:07 - Indiana Pacers up again for #17 that they got from the JO trade. Meanwhile, I’m sort of shitting a brick because there is a rumor that Larry Bird traded Bayless to Portland for Brandon Rush, PG Jarrett Jack and Duke-scrub Josh McRoberts. That better not be true.

David Stern announces 7′2 center Roy Hibbert of Georgetown. After losing Jermaine O’Neal, that makes sense, although it’s a little disheartening to hear that, when he first got to college Coach John Thompson 3 used to call him “The Big Stiff.” No word on whether or not Stan Van Gundy filed suit for copyright infringement.

9:13 - Best moment of the draft so far: A flashback of Brook and Robin Lopez earlier as they were mic’d up waiting to get picked. Brook is like “This is sooo boooring” and then flops forward in exasperation. Next scene shows him talking to his brother saying “[My agent] just texted me to sit up straight cause I’m on TV.” Then, Brook asks who NJ’s GM is and someone says tells him it’s Kiki Vanderweighe and also that the manager is Lawrence Frank. Brook’s response: “The manager is Lawrence Frank?!??” The best part is that he talks like Farva from Supertroopers.

9:15 - Snatch-fucking-tacular. Of course. I don’t even know why I’m surprised. Jerryd Bayless is traded from Indiana (along with Ike Diogu) to Portland for Brandon Rush and mediocre PG Jarrett Jack. Since Brandon’s brother Kareem Rush plays for Indy, he’s probably very happy about it. At least that makes one person in the entire state. Goddamn it. I don’t know why I even thought that wouldn’t happen. Sometimes I forget I’m a Pacers fan. I might move to New Orleans. And, yes, partially to root for CP3; but mainly to wait for Katrina Part II to end my misery.

Nice hat. (NBAE/Getty Images)

9:19 - I missed #18 looking for a razor blade, but some jerkoff named JaVale McGee from some dipshit school I don’t care about was taken by some team I like a lot more than the Pacers.

9:22 - The Cavs take JJ Hickson at #19. He’s not here. Guess who is though? The proverbial Last Guy in the Green Room Darrell Arthur. Supposedly he has kidney problems too. Good times. At least they probably have cranberry juice in there.

9:25 - Charlotte Bobcats are up. Stu Scott was talking about Larry Brown and all the good PGs he’s had play for him. “He would know about PGs…he’s had a bevy of them.” Bobcats take Alexis Ajinca of France. So far, “he hasn’t been a productive player in the French Pro League,” Fraschilla informs us. But have no fear Bobcats fan (Hi Timmy!) he has an amazing wingspan. And Stu Scott does a double take: “Wait…he’s 7′0 tall and has a 7′8″ wingspan?” And it looks like Darrell Arthur wasn’t the only guy left in the building cause Frenchy was here too. I guess they meant Arthur was the only guy here not headed directly to the D-League.

9:30 - Jerryd Bayless is being interviewed about being traded to Portland. Larry Bird jumps into frame, grabs the mic and says “Hey Indiana…Tell me how my ass tastes.”

9:33 - With #22, New Jersey takes the 6′10″ Ryan Anderson of Cal with its second 1st Round pick. And, hey, he’s white too. So along with the Yi Jianlian pick-up earlier today, they’ve now added Brook Lopez and Ryan Anderson. Are they moving to Brooklyn or Staten Island? If what you say is true, the Wu Tang and the Shaolin could be dangerous. En guard.

9:38 - Orlando takes Courtney Lee of Western Kentucky at #23. He looks like an athletic two-guard — exactly what they need on the perimeter next to Hedo Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis. Yup…feel the excitement.

9:42 - Jazz are up for #23. According to JVG, “All I know is don’t bring any softies to play for Jerry Sloan.” Who do they take? The 7′0, three-point shooting Kosta Koufos of Ohio State. Let’s hear Bilas’ take: “He’s a finesse center…he needs to get stronger…he’s not a defensive presence.” You’re welcome, Mr. Sloan.

It’s always tough to pass up adding another soft big man for your front court. (NBAE/Getty Images)

9:47 - ESPN is currently showing a behind-the-scenes look at “The Anatomy of Indiana’s Pick” and showing all the phone calls and scrambling that goes on in back of the curtain after a mid-Draft trade. The ESPN CEO and Mickey Mouse should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Fuck you guys.

9:50 - Seattle takes Serge Ibaka of Congo at #24. He’s the youngest and rawest player in the draft. Fraschilla: “If you’re a Sonics fan, forget this name for three or four years…But three or four years from now, he could be a great shotblocker.” Dude is full of fan-friendly news tonight. He also has 17 siblings (Ibaka, not Fran). Meanwhile, JVG just dropped a gem on ‘em by questioning Ibaka’s “Must Improve” graphic. “How do you improve your experience?”

9:56 - Houston takes another French player in guard Nicolas Batum at #25. Fran says he doesn’t have a lot of “escapability,” which apparently has something to do with ball-handling. This guy was also in MSG, presumably eating crepes and wearing horizontally striped shirts with his buddy Alexis. But Darrell Arthur is the only guy in the Green Room still, and the reason seems to be the “undisclosed” kidney condition that he (read: his agent) wouldn’t allow teams to conduct blood work on.

10:01 - With #26, San Antonio takes George Hill of IUPUI, better known as Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis. That’s catchy. He’s only 6′2″ and sort of a tweener guard, but Bilas likes his length and his wingspan, which “is about 6′8″.”

10:08 - With the 27th pick, Portland (whose $16 billion owner bought this pick from Nawlins) takes Mr. Green Room. And for the first time tonight, the Knicks fans cheer. I think missing the 1st Round for a guy in the Green Room would have been unprecedented. Although, after seeing the tie he’s wearing, I would have passed on him too. Also, his mom looks like Biggie and recently quit her job as a truck driver. I’m not even mocking…that’s actually really cool. The truck-driving part, I mean.

10:14 - Memphis is up and you have to expect them to take Memphis University product Chris-Douglas Roberts, who along with #1 pick Derrick Rose helped led the Tigers to the NCAA Finals this year. He might not be a great, great pro, but he was a hell of a college scorer and has a herky-jerky, lanky style that I think will translate…at least offensively.

And after all that, Memphis takes Syracuse F Donte’ Greene at #28. Sweet. I know nothing about this guy anyway, so at least you know a little more about CDR (who has no reason to still be on the board) instead. As a wise cartoon character told me, knowing is half the battle.

10:23 - With #29, the Pistons take DJ White, the undersized PF from Indiana. He’s “a hard-hat player” according to Bilas. Meanwhile, Stu Scott mentioned that White is the first Indiana Hoosier taken by Detroit since Isiah Thomas. The entire New York crowd boos uproariously.

10:31 - With pick #30, the World Champ Celtics take JR Giddens, a 6′4″ guard from New Mexico, who I didn’t see play much last year but always thought was talented when he played at Kansas before he transferred. I have no more to say on him, but they also just announced that DJ White was traded to Seattle for two 2nd Round picks: #32 and #46.

And on that anti-climactic note, the 1st Round is over.

Thus, so is this.

* Editor’s note: The Jay Bilas nickname was handed out before the draft ever started. He’s really that predictable at this point.

I would post it here, but it very may well be fake (”cropped”…get it?) as the hand looks a little dubious and possibly photoshopped if you zoom in even closer. The photo’s authenticity and this one fan’s level of douchebaggery is not really the point though.

The point is that the Jazz fans are notoriously crude and indeed booed Derek Fisher when he returned this season in a Lakers uniform. (Fisher, if you’re not up on things, played for Utah for the last few years and has a daughter fighting retinal cancer, yet flew back and forth from her treatments in New York last year during the Playoffs to play for them and would often get there minutes before tip-off and in one game famously arrived in street clothes while everyone else was already suited up only to come in and kick ass and hit a game-winning shot, but decided after the season that he needed to live in a city where he could be with his daughter and she could get proper treatment so the Jazz owner let him out of his contract and he then signed with Los Angeles, which is a city that has a good hospital to deal with this disease, yet the Jazz fans for some reason felt this deserved booing when he came back to play against them rather than the raucous standing ovation he would have gotten anywhere else. Got it? Cool.)

The assertion is that this fan was yelling “Cancer!” at Fish while he was shooting free-throws. Even if this photo is a fake, there are other allegations of fans chanting “cancer” when he had the ball.

The Jazz fans were also called out last year by Golden State Warrior players for using racial slurs during their series and also holding up signs of Stephen Jackson in prison stripes (he’s the headband-clad fellow throwing haymakers at fans here and the gentleman that shoots guns off in strip club parking lots as described here…So that one’s actually kind of funny).

There’s also this Kobe photo, referencing the rape allegations against him:

Essentially, these Mormons be wilin, son. Nahmean, cats is straight off the chain, dun.

In general, I’ve always felt NBA fans are a little tamer than most. The NFL is just brutal, from Oakland’s Black Hole to DC’s Hogs. And I may be biased since about 45 of the 50 or so MLB games I’ve been to have been played in either Yankee Stadium or Fenway (where “Jeter Has AIDS” t-shirts used to be prominent), but the NBA usually doesn’t get that bad either. Not anymore anyway…The widespread racism in arenas as recently as the 1980s is well-documented and was worse than anything in the Bronx in the past 40 years as far as I know.

Anyway, the point of this whole thing (surprise…there is one), is that as horrible as these Jazz fans are, NCAA fans are probably even worse. And to me, it’s about ten times as bad at that level since the fans are chastising 18-year-old kids to the point that a guy like Tennessee’s Chris Lofton didn’t even tell people he has cancer in part because he knew he would get mocked for having a testicle removed when he goes to play in Gainesville or Athens. At least Stephen Jackson and Derek Fisher ARE MEN…THEY ARE FORTY. The shit they have to put up with is deplorable, but it’s chastising “amateur” kids like that is taking it to another level of scumbagship.

SI took a pretty good look into how horrible college crowds are a few months ago. Here is the story by Grant Wahl.

And this is a list of some of the worst incidents from the past. These are probably the most heinous accounts:

• In February 1988, Arizona senior guard Steve Kerr was cruelly reminded of the murder of his father — Malcolm H. Kerr, the president of the American University of Beirut — by terrorists in Lebanon four years earlier. In a game against archrival Arizona State, in Tempe, Kerr was taunted by Sun Devils fans, who yelled “PLO, PLO.” (The Palestine Liberation Organization was never linked to the assassination.)

• Fifteen months after Maryland forward Herman Veal was accused of sexual misconduct toward another Maryland student, Duke’s Cameron Crazies wouldn’t let him forget it — even though formal charges were never filed against him. In a January 1984 game between the Terps and Blue Devils, Duke fans greeted Veal by throwing panties and condoms into the air when he was introduced, then yelled obscenities throughout the game.

• When Oregon visited Arizona in February 2006, several months had passed since Ducks coach Ernie Kent had denied rumors that he had had an extramarital affair. Yet whenever Kent’s son Jordan, a guard on the Oregon team, went to the free throw line, the Zona Zoo fan section chanted, “Who’s your mistress?”

And here is a photo gallery of some fans in action, although this one below will always be my favorite.

(On a much cheerier note…In looking for this SI story through Google, I may have found the greatest message board thread of all time. Post #9 is spectacular. And, yeah, probably NSFW…although you technically can’t see her howdoyoudo.)